What I've Done
by TheEliteLabRatsLover
Summary: And suddenly it hit Barry like a freight train, as he realized with a sinking feeling that there would be only one way to defeat Savitar. SPOILERS FOR 3x20.


**So. I thought I was original. As per usual, I'm not, lol. Story of my life. *sighs* _Anyway_ , you guys don't want to hear my sob stories ;P, so let me tell ya' a bit about this story; first off, I was in an extreme hurry while writing this, because I wanted it done before tonight, but I only have a set amount of time. So, yeah...my apologies if it's a bit rushed. **

**And secondly, you guys have got to listen to "What I've Done" by Linkin Park while reading this; it totally makes it. And also, this story has spoilers, so, yeah...I think that's about it. Oh! Wait, i forgot something; I'm gonna' try my best to reply to everyone who has either commented or PMed me, but the next couple of days are gonna' be crazy hectic, so it might be a bit. :/ Sorry. Anywho, I hope you like the story, and feel free to give me feedback! ;)**

 **IMPORTANT NOTES AT THE BOTTOM.**

 **Disclaimer: Also, as per usual, I own none of this.**

* * *

Barry sat up groggily, a wince spreading onto his face as he took in his dark surroundings and noted the pulsating pain in his ribs and skull. He sucked in a ragged breath when he remembered how he had gotten here. Savitar had done this.

Savitar...

Savitar was _Barry_.

 _Barry_ was _Savitar_.

Just the mere thought of that monster made his breath hitch in his throat. He clenched his jaw and looked up at the sky through blurry vision. He distantly wondered how long he had been out, considering he had told the others he would be right back.

Barry swallowed past the bile rising in his throat as he forced himself to stand up; telling himself that it was the pain that was making him nauseous and not because he was actually Savitar. He couldn't have been unconscious for too long, Barry mused, considering his ribs were still so tender.

Otherwise his super-healing would have kicked in by now. He took a few wobbly steps, resisting the urge to just tip over and curl in on himself, before he suddenly stopped, realizing that he didn't know where to go. He couldn't go back home...not now. Barry couldn't face them after finding this out. How could he _ever_ face them again?

Oh, God...how could he ever face _Iris_ again?

How could he ever go _near_ her?

And Joe...if Savitar killed Iris, then that means that Barry killed Iris. He betrayed Joe and everyone else. He puts Wally in a catatonic state, inadvertently causes Cisco's loss of hands and of a best friend. And Caitlin...

Barry suddenly found himself kneeling in the dimly lit ditch, vomiting onto the grass until he could only dry heave. And then his stomach decided to revolt and torture him with continuing to dry heave.

And his ribs did not appreciate that. But...he deserved it, right?

If he was Savitar, then he deserved the worst punishments this world had. But just _how the hell_ could he be _Savitar_? He told himself it was the fact that he had just thrown up that made his world spin unnaturally as he stood up.

Where was he supposed to go?

He was a disgrace, a murderer, a _monster_. No...that word wasn't strong enough to describe what he would become. But he wasn't sure if there was a word that _was_ strong enough. He was...he was worse than Zolomon. Than Eobard. Than anybody they had ever faced.

The mere thought of that nearly had him dry heaving again, but he instead chose to just swallow thickly and press forward; no real destination in mind. This...this couldn't be real. There was no way on earth that he could be Savitar.

Barry couldn't ever become an animal like that...right?

Barry stumbled, his foot on the edge of a hole in the grass, hidden by the night's darkness, causing his ankle to twist and inevitably sprain. A cry of pain escaped past his lips as he ungracefully fell from twisting his ankle, and he grimaced in pain as he bit his lip.

 _How could this night get any worse?_

Tears dotted his vision, not from pain but just from _everything_. Barry more felt rather than made himself fall slowly back onto the grass until his back collided with the ground and he closed his eyes as a single tear slipped past his lips. He kills Iris...all this time he had been trying so hard to only try and stop himself. How twisted was that?

Pain throbbed in his ankle and chest but he felt numb to it. Like it was hardly there...like _he_ was hardly there. His breath hitched as more tears cascaded down his cheeks, and darkness clouded his vision, but he blinked it back rapidly.

His throat constricted and he gasped suddenly, only managing to get half a breath of air to his lungs, making him sound as if he had asthma.

When he re-opened his eyes, quietly taking in sharp breaths as tears blurred his vision, he could have sworn he saw his father above him. Barry's brows furrowed, as he weakly brought his hand up, only being able to reach halfway. "D-dad..." He choked, but as quick as it came, it vanished, leaving his heart to break once more.

He knew it wasn't real.

But that didn't stop him from hoping.

He let his head loll to the side as darkness continued to cloud his vision. He distantly wondered why this was happening, but paid the thought little attention. As more tears came and Barry struggled for a grab on reality, he did something he hadn't allowed himself to for as long as he could remember. He succumbed to the dark void looming above him.

* * *

Barry awoke slowly, distantly aware of the quiet beeping beside him, and the soft noise filling the room around him. His eyes slowly fluttered open, a frown forming on his face as he took in his surroundings now that he was fully awake.

Cisco, Iris, and Wally were across the corridor, talking quietly, and Barry wondered for a split moment how he had gotten in this compromising position again. And then suddenly his memory decided to kick in. Savitar had done this. _He_ had done this.

Oh, God.

Oh, _God._

Somebody must have noticed his suddenly sickly pallor, because there was a bucket in his hands in an instant as he sat up and began to throw up anything that was left in his stomach. _That_ got everybody's attention.

When he sat back up, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, and ignoring the sudden lightheadedness that clouded his mind, he noticed that it had been Joe. Barry seriously didn't remember seeing him there before. "Thanks," Barry said with a slight nod, surprised at how hoarse his voice was.

"Barry, thank God," Iris said as she walked over rapidly, and Barry found himself tensing at her touch on his shoulder. She frowned. "Barry, wha-"

"What happened?" Barry asked quickly. Possibly too quickly judging by the look on Iris's face as she slowly removed her hand.

"After about a half an hour after you disappeared, we started to worry and decided to call Cisco," Joe explained.

"And I decided to track your suit's GPS, so we could go find you or try and contact you. When we arrived, we found you unconscious in the ditch near an alley. You had a few broken ribs, and some fractured, along with a fractured ankle, mild concussion and a severe lack of calorie intake." Cisco declared, and Barry nodded slowly.

"I don't understand why you three are always trying to give me heart attacks like that. How do you think it felt to find one of my sons unconscious in a ditch?" Joe asked, voice firm but an underlying softness to it.

"Why did you run out like that? Did you...was Savitar there?" Iris asked, voice turning softer as she finished her question. His jaw clenched unwillingly as he looked down. "Barry?"

"I know who he is." He muttered quietly, and could immediately sense the tension seep into the room.

"...Who is he?" Joe asked, and Iris placed her hand gently on top of Barry's hand, and he stilled at the touch. Barry moved his other hand and gently took her hand off of his, ignoring the look of confusion and slight hurt on her face. _Just wait until I tell you his identity,_ he thought. He inhaled sharply, looking at each of them individually before his eyes landed on Iris and he spoke.

"It's me. I'm him. _I'm Savitar_." He declared and watched as Iris's beloved face turned into a confused expression, before morphing into one of horror as she unwillingly took a step back.

"No...no, you're not."

"Iris-"

"I don't care what he said to you, but you're not him."

"Iris...I saw him. I _saw_ him." He said, looking over at the others, desperation lacing his voice. Joe wore a look of pure shock, as Cisco's brows were furrowed in confusion and shock. Wally looked horrified and in disbelief. Barry sighed. "I'm Savitar." He whispered quietly, looking at iris dejectedly as she shook her head lightly, trying to comprehend it all.

"No..." She whispered, voice catching on the one syllable.

"Iris-" He began, reaching out to her, and ignoring the pang in his heart as she stepped back and away from his touch.

"Get away from me." She declared in fear, and his heart sunk as he lowered his arm in defeat. "No, Barry, I didn't mean it-" He lightly shook his head, because she _did_ mean it. And he didn't blame her one bit. Heck, he was terrified of _himself_ after finding out the truth.

"I'm so sorry." He stated quietly, looking at each of them as they stood there in shock. Barry immediately stood up, ignoring the way the room spun and darkened for a moment, before walking out of the room with little hope left in his broken heart.

He wasn't even surprised when no one called out to stop him. He was in the hall when H.R. and Tracy walked in with him.

"Oh, hey B.A.-" And that was the last thing he heard before he sped off and away from it all. He couldn't stand to face any of them. They would find out soon enough and would understand why he did what he did. He was a threat to all of them.

Barry lightly shook his head and took off running even faster than before, finding himself in the one place he dreaded to be; his old home. Standing alone in the living room, he could still hear his parent's cries as they were murdered. He was a disgrace to them, too.

Barry couldn't even save them, and none of this would have happened if it weren't for his being the Flash. He truly was a threat to all of those he loved. He sighed as he knelt down onto his knee, looking at his old home through glassy eyes.

He should have died that night instead of his mom. It would've saved them all a hell lot of trouble. And suddenly it hit him like a freight train.

If he was dead...Savitar wouldn't be around to cause havoc.

 _He wouldn't kill Iris_.

Barry knew what he needed to do.

He sped back to his and Iris's apartment, grabbing the knife he kept hidden in their closet in case a meta-human ever broke in, and immediately ran back to his childhood home. He stood in the living room, clutching onto the knife in his hand, focusing on the end result of what he was about to do, and not the actual act of what he was about to do.

If this got rid of Savitar...then it was worth it.

It would all be worth it.

Iris would live.

She would have a long life along with everyone else. And they would get Caitlin back once Savitar was gone, Barry was sure of it. He only wished he could be there with them when this all happened. He inhaled sharply, kneeling onto the living room floor and blinking back tears. He was going to do this.

He was _going_ to _do this_.

And ironically he was going to commit suicide where both of his parents had met their demise; his life was just full of irony, wasn't it?

He brought the knife to his left wrist, steadily calm movements even though on the inside he was trembling like a leaf in the wind. He realized, with a sickening feeling, that slicing his wrists wouldn't be enough. His super-healing would kick in too fast.

But Barry could find ways around that. He placed the blade to his wrist, inhaling deeply, and without thinking of what he was about to do, he yanked the knife across his wrist and gasped sharply at the sting of pain that emanated from there.

He quickly did the same to the other wrist, taking only a moment to watch with morbid fascination as the blood ran so freely from his wrists, before raising the knife in front of his stomach. He was doing this for Iris. For Joe.

For Cisco, H.R., Wally, Caitlin, Julian, _all of them_.

He would sacrifice his life for them any moment of any day, and he was going to do it this moment, of this day.

He just couldn't believe what his life had come to. Barry hadn't even noticed the tears streaming down his cheeks until the salt water mixed with the blood pooling on the ground around his knees and he struggled against the lightheaded feeling in his head as the room began to spin.

 _Good_ , he decided, _that means it's working_.

He raised the knife even further, closing his watering eyes and speaking for what he knew would be the last time. "I-I love you all. And I'm so sorry, Iris," And with that he plunged the knife into his flesh without a second thought.

Pain and blood blossomed from his torso, as he numbly felt his back collide with the ground and a knife clatter on the ground as his arm hit the ground and his fingers went limp, releasing the sharp object.

Numbness filled his body as his grip on consciousness started slipping. This was one tie he was grateful for the fact that he bleeds out quicker than most humans. It's funny, he mused, how just the day before he was fearing for all of their lives, including his, and now he was sacrificing his own for all of them.

Not that he regretted doing this.

He would do this a thousand times over, as long as it meant they would survive. A small smile filled his lips as his breathing slowly started decreasing from the ragged and sharp breaths, to more sluggish and slow.

They would all live, and he could rest assured of that in his final moments.

Because Barry would always sacrifice himself for them. He would give his life for any of them without a second breath of hesitation. He would _always_ put their lives first. Because Barry always knew that one day he would die saving the people he loved.

And it looked like that day had finally come...

* * *

 **So, as the top says, here are the "important notes": I am debating about continuing this; what do you guys think? I have a few ideas, and so I'm thinking about continuing it. Thoughts? This seriously is basically just up to you guys, so please let me know! Until that time: au revoir! :)**


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